This morning I wrote a blog post, an update on how my monster is evolving. Then I deleted it all by mistake. When I went through my drafts I found this post instead, written a couple of weeks ago as an update of this other one. It’s not really the best thing I have ever written, but still having troubles with my anxiety I just can’t focus enough to edit it properly. In the end, I thought I’d publish it anyway, hoping it might be of help to someone because of its content, regardless of its form.
It took me a while to realise that the cause of my anxiety was – well – me. We, people suffering from mental disorders, have the tendency to blame ourselves for our sufferings – not out of self-pity, but because we don’t know where else to find the source of our problems, “so it must be me”. Therefore, I’m going to articulate better.
After years of panic and anxiety disorder, I have learnt that anxiety does not just knock on your door uninvited: even though it wasn’t you to invite it, somebody – or something – did. It can be another person in your life, something that is bothering you, an emotion you have not elaborated properly, a situation you don’t know how to fix. And this is why I was looking out there for a possible reason that I could work on to send anxiety away.
Surely I had my personal problems in the last months, and certainly I’m very disoriented now that my bachelor degree is over, I’m still trained for no job and don’t know which direction to give to my life. These reasons are all contributing to my anxiety in a considerable amount. But why would this anxiety prevent me from going out?
It’s not the anxiety preventing me from going out. It’s my own gaze on myself that is preventing me from going out. My judgmental gaze, which decided that I’m not coping well enough with my difficulties. My strict eye, which considers me too clumsy and too small to walk around. My hard look, which thinks I’m too ridiculous in my attempts to even try to chase my ambitions.
It’s very easy to feel small when your goals are big. You see this long uphill road in front of you, you are only in the beginning and you have no idea how you will climb that mountain. You see your dream, so big and shiny, but no bridge that leads you up to it. You don’t know where to start. Moreover, through the Internet you can see all these people who made it, you see what they have accomplished and you look at their work, which is amazing of course, and you think you’ll never get there. You compare yourself to them and feel overwhelmed. Who wouldn’t?
The cause for the discomfort and awkwardness I feel every time I go out is actually my own self-judgment, and I have to let it go. It’s very common to be hard on yourself sometimes, but when this inclination becomes so strong that you don’t even realise you are doing it anymore, that is too much. When you are convinced that what you see through extremely strict eyes is the truth, that is the time to stop. Sure, you’ll ask, how can you stop if you don’t even realise you are doing it?
Well, I’ll tell you. When you are spending your days in bed thinking “you can’t achieve much anyway”, when you are crying at least once a day out of some kind of frustration, when you are giving up on your dreams because they seem too big for you, trust me, you are being too hard on yourself, and it’s time to stop.